So over the weekend, I took seven college students to work at a camp near Tyler, TX. We worked in the kitchen at the Bluffs camp at Pine Cove and did meal set up and tear down. It was pretty cool.
I hadn't been to a camp since high school, and the camps I remember back then don't leave a good taste in my mouth today. What I grew up with were more fundamentalistic/legalistic type camps that I might even blame for my own legalism in the past.
But naturally, this camp was different. Or at least it was different working there rather than being run through the programs. There were various women's groups (usually middle-aged) that we served this weekend. I probably made one too many comments about feeling like I'm still at The Coffee Chain That Shall Remain Nameless when some of the older ladies had annoying or involved requests ('Do you have cranberry juice?'). But I enjoyed the weekend, in spite of this small, piddly stuff.
Something I never thought I'd do again is sit around a campfire and sing worship songs. We had some S'mores and then I made some kind of transitional comment to lead into how everyone should use this weekend to reflect a little bit. I asked someone to bring a guitar for the weekend, knowing that this would be part of the camping trip experience. And there I was singing three worship songs around a campfire.
No one threw any rededicational sticks in any recommitmental fires or had any shattering revelations of how sinful they were. We just sang a couple songs. And I think this was good for me. I can look at it and see it as perhaps how worships songs at a campfire can be good. No drama or tears, just a little time to remember why we were serving that weekend. Maybe I've matured past all my cynicism to see the good in all that I think is bad about evangelicalism.
A highlight was getting to ride some horses on Saturday. I did a trail ride on 'Goliad,' a slow and steady horse who was pretty obedient. Later on, we did some trotting practice in an arena. For this, I rode 'Pistol,' a spunky, stubborn horse who would stop moving altogether just to try to show me who's boss. I did a lot of kicking and squeezing to get Pistol to trot a few times and had to turn him in circles just to try to show him who's boss.
Showing posts with label Spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spirituality. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Tears of Joy
So I nearly cried during church this morning. I think it was for a couple of reasons.
There was a lot of stuff happening that had built to a climax and it just came together during one of the most refreshing worship services I’ve been to in a long time.
That service was at my church but was different than usual because the associate pastor, who was recently put in charge of structuring the worship service, preached today. In all honesty, this associate pastor is one of the main reasons that I stayed at my church. It was great to worship in the service he put together and then also hear him preach. And that last sentence might be the first time I’ve used ‘worship’ to describe something that I’ve done, rather than some nebulous concept.
What made this moment so encouraging and humbling was my past week. Earlier in the week, some hackers broke into the server that hosts The Brew, my online magazine, and did some royal technical damage (Here is what it looks like now). My friend, who takes care of the technical side of The Brew, told me that we might have to restart the magazine. This could mean that I would have to repost and re-enter all the articles and author profiles from the last ten months. We’d be pretty much starting over.
About the same time, my ’99 Hyundai Elantra decided to start overheating. I had some people from church check it out and we tried some small solutions to fix it, though they ultimately didn’t work. So I took my car, which has survived three 1,000-mile, cross country drives, in to the shop to get fixed. They told me that I needed a new water pump and thermostat. They also needed to replace my timing belt, which they said they had to replace after removing it (in order to replace the water pump). The boss at the Meineke store I took my car to told me that he would eat the cost of the belt (including the labor, which was over $70/hr) because he had already had to call me once to add on more parts/charges.
More than $600 later, my car was working, but I had to adjust my plans for a ‘mystery outing’ for the college group that I help out with. I cancelled the dinner I had planned and instead planned to go to a coffee house that had bad coffee but good live music. And for a while, I wasn’t sure anyone would come, because I hadn’t heard any response. I was almost ready to have no one show up and be ready to do something else that night.
But lo and behold, at the set time, they show up and we have a very cool night.
I got to thinking about all the problems that came up this week and the some of the wrong thoughts that came up. A good friend of mine kept calling throughout the week to see how I was doing because he knew of my past with depression. And then I realized how all the strife of this week could have crippled me or sent me into a depressive state. I could have thought that I was overwhelmed with all that was going wrong. I could have thought that I was stuck and helpless to do anything.
But what happened instead: people from my church were very willing to help me with my car. Guys from a church-less Bible study I go to kept checking on me to see how I was doing and offer encouragement. I saw how community works. I saw how the church should work. And I saw how car troubles or magazine glitches didn’t set me off like they could have.
So I guess that is rolling with the punches. Or maturing. Or getting even further down the road from things that could bring back depression.
And that is definitely something that warrants tears of joy.
There was a lot of stuff happening that had built to a climax and it just came together during one of the most refreshing worship services I’ve been to in a long time.
That service was at my church but was different than usual because the associate pastor, who was recently put in charge of structuring the worship service, preached today. In all honesty, this associate pastor is one of the main reasons that I stayed at my church. It was great to worship in the service he put together and then also hear him preach. And that last sentence might be the first time I’ve used ‘worship’ to describe something that I’ve done, rather than some nebulous concept.
What made this moment so encouraging and humbling was my past week. Earlier in the week, some hackers broke into the server that hosts The Brew, my online magazine, and did some royal technical damage (Here is what it looks like now). My friend, who takes care of the technical side of The Brew, told me that we might have to restart the magazine. This could mean that I would have to repost and re-enter all the articles and author profiles from the last ten months. We’d be pretty much starting over.
About the same time, my ’99 Hyundai Elantra decided to start overheating. I had some people from church check it out and we tried some small solutions to fix it, though they ultimately didn’t work. So I took my car, which has survived three 1,000-mile, cross country drives, in to the shop to get fixed. They told me that I needed a new water pump and thermostat. They also needed to replace my timing belt, which they said they had to replace after removing it (in order to replace the water pump). The boss at the Meineke store I took my car to told me that he would eat the cost of the belt (including the labor, which was over $70/hr) because he had already had to call me once to add on more parts/charges.
More than $600 later, my car was working, but I had to adjust my plans for a ‘mystery outing’ for the college group that I help out with. I cancelled the dinner I had planned and instead planned to go to a coffee house that had bad coffee but good live music. And for a while, I wasn’t sure anyone would come, because I hadn’t heard any response. I was almost ready to have no one show up and be ready to do something else that night.
But lo and behold, at the set time, they show up and we have a very cool night.
I got to thinking about all the problems that came up this week and the some of the wrong thoughts that came up. A good friend of mine kept calling throughout the week to see how I was doing because he knew of my past with depression. And then I realized how all the strife of this week could have crippled me or sent me into a depressive state. I could have thought that I was overwhelmed with all that was going wrong. I could have thought that I was stuck and helpless to do anything.
But what happened instead: people from my church were very willing to help me with my car. Guys from a church-less Bible study I go to kept checking on me to see how I was doing and offer encouragement. I saw how community works. I saw how the church should work. And I saw how car troubles or magazine glitches didn’t set me off like they could have.
So I guess that is rolling with the punches. Or maturing. Or getting even further down the road from things that could bring back depression.
And that is definitely something that warrants tears of joy.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Acting on The Brew; A Christian Will Ferrell; So Many Songs, So Many Issues
I posted Shannon Neffendorf's critique of acting, "Acting To Shatter The Soul" on The Brew.
Watch for more this month. There's still plenty to come.
---------------------
I watched Winter Passing last night was amazed. Will Ferrel does another restrained turn (like in Stranger Than Fiction), this time playing a bassist from a Christian rock band, Punching Pilate. His character is so nuanced and subtle, but is the most accurate and sympathetic portrayal of a Christian I've ever seen.
The rest of the movie is a pretty good indie drama. There's some great literary one-liners and great acting. Though, some might be disturbed by a scene where a dying kitten is euthanized (nothing graphic).
-----------------------------------
So I bought a subscription to a music service (and am quietly proud to not use I-Tunes) and am obtaining music more legally.
I'm amazed to find the most random tracks ("Super Bon Bon" by the defunct Soul Coughing and a spooky piano and distorted guitar track from the 28 Days Later SDTRK). I also can't believe the wealth of music that is out there. I can get just about anything I can think of (though I'm having some trouble finding some older Christian rock songs: Bleach, Silage, etc.).
I'm also reading through Ecclesiastes with some guys I'm in a Bible study with. I'm digesting the expected "Life if meaningless" and "Only God can provide meaning" ideas. And then I'm seeing those idea apply to my music downloading.
I can download all the music that my laptop can hold, but will it really make me happy? And if I do download all that I can think of, God can add meaning to it all and use it for good.
Oh, the joys of having such a dualistic and complicated faith. But I don't think I would have it be any less complicated.
Watch for more this month. There's still plenty to come.
---------------------
I watched Winter Passing last night was amazed. Will Ferrel does another restrained turn (like in Stranger Than Fiction), this time playing a bassist from a Christian rock band, Punching Pilate. His character is so nuanced and subtle, but is the most accurate and sympathetic portrayal of a Christian I've ever seen.
The rest of the movie is a pretty good indie drama. There's some great literary one-liners and great acting. Though, some might be disturbed by a scene where a dying kitten is euthanized (nothing graphic).
-----------------------------------
So I bought a subscription to a music service (and am quietly proud to not use I-Tunes) and am obtaining music more legally.
I'm amazed to find the most random tracks ("Super Bon Bon" by the defunct Soul Coughing and a spooky piano and distorted guitar track from the 28 Days Later SDTRK). I also can't believe the wealth of music that is out there. I can get just about anything I can think of (though I'm having some trouble finding some older Christian rock songs: Bleach, Silage, etc.).
I'm also reading through Ecclesiastes with some guys I'm in a Bible study with. I'm digesting the expected "Life if meaningless" and "Only God can provide meaning" ideas. And then I'm seeing those idea apply to my music downloading.
I can download all the music that my laptop can hold, but will it really make me happy? And if I do download all that I can think of, God can add meaning to it all and use it for good.
Oh, the joys of having such a dualistic and complicated faith. But I don't think I would have it be any less complicated.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
The Brew Goes Across The Pond; Freedom To Fellowship
I posted new author David Wright's "Director Michael Apted's Look At Life, Every 7 Years" on The Brew.
The article explores British director Apted's look at a group of people every 7 years.
-------------------
I was journaling the other day (something I’ve started doing less and less).
I wrote a lot about freedom, independence and then on to community and fellowship.
It got me thinking in these big-concept kind of words that seemed like they would make a good one-word-a-line poem. So here is my first attempt at poetry in a long, long time.
Freedom
Independence
Individuality
Interaction
Commonality
Community
Submission
Similarities
Sharing
Fellowship
The article explores British director Apted's look at a group of people every 7 years.
-------------------
I was journaling the other day (something I’ve started doing less and less).
I wrote a lot about freedom, independence and then on to community and fellowship.
It got me thinking in these big-concept kind of words that seemed like they would make a good one-word-a-line poem. So here is my first attempt at poetry in a long, long time.
Freedom
Independence
Individuality
Interaction
Commonality
Community
Submission
Similarities
Sharing
Fellowship
Sunday, May 13, 2007
New Brew; Jesus Camp
I posted Lonnie's article on Isaac Asimov's view of space on The Brew.
----------------
I viewed one of the most disturbing and possibly enraging films of all times: Jesus Camp.
I had the college group from church over for a movie and discussion night to watch it. A friend said he felt sick after watching it. I was left perplexed, but for a different reason than you might think.
Now, naturally, people wanting to make a documentary about a fiery, flamboyant, and fundamentalist church camp don’t have to look too far for material. There is plenty of naturally disturbing footage that needs nothing added to shock.
But I was a little more distracted by the style and other technical details. The documentary follows three kids who attend camp leader Becky Fischer’s “Kids on Fire Summer Camp.” Though one of the three, a little girl who likes to dance to Christian hardcore music, disappears more as the film progresses. I wondered if she wasn’t vibrant or dramatic enough to merit further inclusion.
The last half of the film follows the other two kids as they listen to a sermon by Ted Haggard at New Life Church in Colorado Springs and then later protest in Washington, D.C. (The filmmakers surely had no idea how damning or ironic their footage of Haggard would become. There is a very interesting response here by the filmmakers to Haggard’s accusation that they had an agenda). At this point, the film seemed to be more about the fundamentalist movement rather than about the camp or Becky Fischer. The praying, singing and protesting in our capital seemed to be the climax rather than kids returning home from camp.
Other segments in the film also rubbed me the wrong way for how they seemed staged. (For an example of documentary staging, watch anything by Michael Moore). A radio talk show featured throughout the film seemed ultra-staged, especially when Fischer called in to try to defend herself.
The first half-hour of the film is sufficient to disturb everyone and also accomplishes what the filmmakers wanted to communicate. The remaining 50 minutes seems to take on a different purpose, or, dare I say, agenda.
I wondered more after watching Camp if any kind of documentary could truly be unbiased. Conceptually, a documentary’s aim is usually just to tape reality as it is, with no agenda. But then, you can’t show an entire fundamentalist church service and would have to do some editing. And it seems that in the editing, the temptation to stage some great shots that would so compliment the service would creep in. And then you get to thinking how you could add in some voice-overs from a different interview or some other clip that might realistically fit in with the original church service. And then you could re-shoot some altar call and tell some little girl to hold out letting go of those tears just a little longer.
Hmmmmmmmm. Stuff to think about.
----------------
I viewed one of the most disturbing and possibly enraging films of all times: Jesus Camp.
I had the college group from church over for a movie and discussion night to watch it. A friend said he felt sick after watching it. I was left perplexed, but for a different reason than you might think.
Now, naturally, people wanting to make a documentary about a fiery, flamboyant, and fundamentalist church camp don’t have to look too far for material. There is plenty of naturally disturbing footage that needs nothing added to shock.
But I was a little more distracted by the style and other technical details. The documentary follows three kids who attend camp leader Becky Fischer’s “Kids on Fire Summer Camp.” Though one of the three, a little girl who likes to dance to Christian hardcore music, disappears more as the film progresses. I wondered if she wasn’t vibrant or dramatic enough to merit further inclusion.
The last half of the film follows the other two kids as they listen to a sermon by Ted Haggard at New Life Church in Colorado Springs and then later protest in Washington, D.C. (The filmmakers surely had no idea how damning or ironic their footage of Haggard would become. There is a very interesting response here by the filmmakers to Haggard’s accusation that they had an agenda). At this point, the film seemed to be more about the fundamentalist movement rather than about the camp or Becky Fischer. The praying, singing and protesting in our capital seemed to be the climax rather than kids returning home from camp.
Other segments in the film also rubbed me the wrong way for how they seemed staged. (For an example of documentary staging, watch anything by Michael Moore). A radio talk show featured throughout the film seemed ultra-staged, especially when Fischer called in to try to defend herself.
The first half-hour of the film is sufficient to disturb everyone and also accomplishes what the filmmakers wanted to communicate. The remaining 50 minutes seems to take on a different purpose, or, dare I say, agenda.
I wondered more after watching Camp if any kind of documentary could truly be unbiased. Conceptually, a documentary’s aim is usually just to tape reality as it is, with no agenda. But then, you can’t show an entire fundamentalist church service and would have to do some editing. And it seems that in the editing, the temptation to stage some great shots that would so compliment the service would creep in. And then you get to thinking how you could add in some voice-overs from a different interview or some other clip that might realistically fit in with the original church service. And then you could re-shoot some altar call and tell some little girl to hold out letting go of those tears just a little longer.
Hmmmmmmmm. Stuff to think about.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
New Brew; Movie Quickies; Disturbing 70s Evangelical Video
I just posted part 2 of Kevin Davis' "The Truth in Words and Spaces" on The Brew.
----------------------
Here's some quick reviews on some movies I saw recently.
Spiderman 3 (as can be expected): Good effects. Nutin' else.
Zodiac: Great movie that's more about obsessive people following the case than about the serial killer.
Breach: The most thrilling movie with the least amount of action.
Hot Fuzz: Genius send-up of action movies by the Brits who made Shaun Of The Dead. A must see if only to see Timothy Dalton ( a former Bond) as a grocery store owner.
-----------------
Scary evangelical video from some 70s fundamentalist preacher. Be warned: It is disturbing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1paYhEDFQIw
----------------------
Here's some quick reviews on some movies I saw recently.
Spiderman 3 (as can be expected): Good effects. Nutin' else.
Zodiac: Great movie that's more about obsessive people following the case than about the serial killer.
Breach: The most thrilling movie with the least amount of action.
Hot Fuzz: Genius send-up of action movies by the Brits who made Shaun Of The Dead. A must see if only to see Timothy Dalton ( a former Bond) as a grocery store owner.
-----------------
Scary evangelical video from some 70s fundamentalist preacher. Be warned: It is disturbing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1paYhEDFQIw
Friday, April 27, 2007
New Brew; A Great Satirist
The Coffee Chain That Shall Remain Nameless gets creative in where to place 20,000 more stores in the U.S. on The Brew.
-------------------
Since the month of satire on The Brew is coming to a close, I thought I'd post a little something by a great satirist that maybe not be as widely known: Kierkegaard.
Here's some great quips on preaching and proclamation.
"Pastor: You must die to the world -- that will be ten dollars.
Novice: Well, if I must die to the world, renounce all the things of this world, I certainly understand that I will have to put out more than ten dollars for the sake of the cause, but there is just one question: Who gets the ten dollars?
Pastor: I do, of course; it is my wages. After all, I and my family have to make a living you know. It is a very cheap price, and very soon much more will have to be charged. If you are fair, you yourself will understand that it takes a lot out of a man to proclaim that one must die to the world if the proclamation is made with earnestness and zeal. And that is also why it is very necessary for me and my family to spend the summer in the country in order to recuperate."
"The punishment I should like the clergy to have is a tenfold increase in salary. I am afraid that neither the world nor the clergy would understand this punishment."
"A speech expert is just a suitable for proclaiming Christianity as a deaf-mute for being a musician."
-------------------
Since the month of satire on The Brew is coming to a close, I thought I'd post a little something by a great satirist that maybe not be as widely known: Kierkegaard.
Here's some great quips on preaching and proclamation.
"Pastor: You must die to the world -- that will be ten dollars.
Novice: Well, if I must die to the world, renounce all the things of this world, I certainly understand that I will have to put out more than ten dollars for the sake of the cause, but there is just one question: Who gets the ten dollars?
Pastor: I do, of course; it is my wages. After all, I and my family have to make a living you know. It is a very cheap price, and very soon much more will have to be charged. If you are fair, you yourself will understand that it takes a lot out of a man to proclaim that one must die to the world if the proclamation is made with earnestness and zeal. And that is also why it is very necessary for me and my family to spend the summer in the country in order to recuperate."
"The punishment I should like the clergy to have is a tenfold increase in salary. I am afraid that neither the world nor the clergy would understand this punishment."
"A speech expert is just a suitable for proclaiming Christianity as a deaf-mute for being a musician."
Monday, April 16, 2007
New Brew; YouTube Finds; Lent Results
NEW BREW
I just posted Dan Morgan's look at why people should change their vocabulary from Love to Lust on The Brew.
----------------
YOUTUBE FINDS
Found some great stuff on YouTube last night.
Alanis Morrisette's cover of "My Humps." Hilarious.
MadTV skit of The Terminator meeting Jesus.
MadTV skit somehow putting Iraq together with Apple Computers. Pretty creative.
The best of Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons.
--------------------------------
LENT RESULTS
So here’s what happened after my ‘no TV’ Lent.
I finished six books: To Own a Dragon, and Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller; The Book Of The Dun Cow, and The Book Of Sorrows by Walter Wangerin, Jr.; Blessed Assurance by Randall Balmer; The Devil In The White City by Erik Larson.
I also got out of the habit of passively watching TV (spending most of a Sunday afternoon or a late night channel surfing). I watched the few shows I was truly into (Lost and The Office) but was left slightly wanting after each episode. Neither seemed as good as I remembered them being.
I might go so far as to say the desire to blow some time watching TV went away. Kind of like curing yourself of some bad habit or desire.
A friend told me he began reading Piper’s Future Grace. I read it back in college but was only looking for one certain thing during that time of life (some kind of relief from depression). But Piper’s idea of prizing the pleasure of God so much that you would loose the desire to cling to some lesser thing, say some sin or something, came back to me.
I feel like I kind of did this during the Lent season. It reminded me of how someone can take initiative to improve their faith, their spirituality or their relationship with God. I haven’t done that kind of thing in a while, though I now feel like I can.
So I’m going to re-read Grace and see what happens. Maybe it’ll be another step back into the faith that I’m re-entering.
I just posted Dan Morgan's look at why people should change their vocabulary from Love to Lust on The Brew.
----------------
YOUTUBE FINDS
Found some great stuff on YouTube last night.
Alanis Morrisette's cover of "My Humps." Hilarious.
MadTV skit of The Terminator meeting Jesus.
MadTV skit somehow putting Iraq together with Apple Computers. Pretty creative.
The best of Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons.
--------------------------------
LENT RESULTS
So here’s what happened after my ‘no TV’ Lent.
I finished six books: To Own a Dragon, and Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller; The Book Of The Dun Cow, and The Book Of Sorrows by Walter Wangerin, Jr.; Blessed Assurance by Randall Balmer; The Devil In The White City by Erik Larson.
I also got out of the habit of passively watching TV (spending most of a Sunday afternoon or a late night channel surfing). I watched the few shows I was truly into (Lost and The Office) but was left slightly wanting after each episode. Neither seemed as good as I remembered them being.
I might go so far as to say the desire to blow some time watching TV went away. Kind of like curing yourself of some bad habit or desire.
A friend told me he began reading Piper’s Future Grace. I read it back in college but was only looking for one certain thing during that time of life (some kind of relief from depression). But Piper’s idea of prizing the pleasure of God so much that you would loose the desire to cling to some lesser thing, say some sin or something, came back to me.
I feel like I kind of did this during the Lent season. It reminded me of how someone can take initiative to improve their faith, their spirituality or their relationship with God. I haven’t done that kind of thing in a while, though I now feel like I can.
So I’m going to re-read Grace and see what happens. Maybe it’ll be another step back into the faith that I’m re-entering.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Depression Series # 9 - Re-Entering The Faith
So this is the final article in my depression series ( got a little sidetracked this past weekend). But this article was originally published in the December issue of The Brew. This probably best describes where I'm at now.
Re-Entering The Faith (Dec. '06)
I recently began rereading a collection of Søren Kierkegaard’s spiritual writings, Provocations. To call it a breath of fresh air wouldn’t do justice to how much of a climax of sorts this has been for my faith.
I haven’t reached the top of some great mountain of affirmation in my faith or received from God an invigorating revelation that would plot out the rest of my life and service to him.
I’ve just realized that it’s probably safe to pick up my faith again after letting it go for a couple of years.
Like many others who struggle with some mental illness, I put my faith aside for a while in order to deal with the issues going on my life. I decided not to think through whether I was a pre-tribulation Calvinist or whether I was following God’s plan for my life. I was just going to exist for a while and see what happened.
After struggling with depression for years, I realized that my faith was part of the problem, and I took steps to fix the problem. Or, more accurately, I stopped taking steps forward in my faith.
There are a myriad of ways that a person’s faith plays a huge role in his or her struggles with depression, bi-polar and obsessive compulsive disorder, or any other of the hundreds of mental illness that exist. People can be imprisoned by an overactive sense of guilt or by a need to perform every task, sometimes repeatedly, perfectly. And some forms of faith only amplify these problems.
So for the last few years, I didn’t do anything to stand out or strive towards some new spiritual goal. I still attended church, but I pretty much sat in the back and didn’t attract too much attention. I didn’t talk to too many people about faith, Christ, spirituality, or, especially, theology. I avoided anything that would make me say or decide something definitive about my faith.
I’ve had many conversations with a professional counselor at a Christian college in Chicago about how he helped students, and employees of the college, to figure out how to fix their problems. In many cases, he suggested that maybe the people should leave the college. I couldn’t believe he suggested this until I realized how similar to the Church is to a Christian college, replete with all the same conflicts, sinners and issues. And then I saw the wisdom in that suggestion.
For some, letting go of their faith involves not attending church anywhere and stopping a relationship with God or even cutting all ties with Christianity. And why not? If someone’s faith is what is causing all the problems, then it would be masochistic to hold on to that which keeps hurting you.
I couldn’t do this, though. Even though my faith was a large part of my struggle with depression, I also knew that it was also, ironically, the solution to it. And the truly masochistic move would be to run away because I would always end in the same place, beaten down, broken and hurt. Nothing I would cling to could fix my depression or my disgust with American Christianity would ever really work or assuage my anger.
So years go by without any major actions or decisions in regards to my faith and things begin to get easier. Counseling helped me sort through issues and my church fed and nurtured me in spite of its apparent failures. The Bible began to make more sense to me; it guided and encouraged my faith. Prayer began to seem less like dropping a coin in a fountain.
My faith in the Church, and more importantly, in Christ’s power to heal and restore us, has grown more solid. I feel a little more comfortable talking about my faith, spirituality and even some theology because it has become more real during my time away from it.
So as I continue to read Kierkegaard, I can not only identify with the existential angst that he so eloquently put into words, but also the hope that faith can truly help fix my mental illness.
“Teach me, oh God, not to torture myself and not to make a martyr of myself in suffocating introspection, but to take a deep and wholesome breath of faith!”
- Søren Kierkegaard
Re-Entering The Faith (Dec. '06)
I recently began rereading a collection of Søren Kierkegaard’s spiritual writings, Provocations. To call it a breath of fresh air wouldn’t do justice to how much of a climax of sorts this has been for my faith.
I haven’t reached the top of some great mountain of affirmation in my faith or received from God an invigorating revelation that would plot out the rest of my life and service to him.
I’ve just realized that it’s probably safe to pick up my faith again after letting it go for a couple of years.
Like many others who struggle with some mental illness, I put my faith aside for a while in order to deal with the issues going on my life. I decided not to think through whether I was a pre-tribulation Calvinist or whether I was following God’s plan for my life. I was just going to exist for a while and see what happened.
After struggling with depression for years, I realized that my faith was part of the problem, and I took steps to fix the problem. Or, more accurately, I stopped taking steps forward in my faith.
There are a myriad of ways that a person’s faith plays a huge role in his or her struggles with depression, bi-polar and obsessive compulsive disorder, or any other of the hundreds of mental illness that exist. People can be imprisoned by an overactive sense of guilt or by a need to perform every task, sometimes repeatedly, perfectly. And some forms of faith only amplify these problems.
So for the last few years, I didn’t do anything to stand out or strive towards some new spiritual goal. I still attended church, but I pretty much sat in the back and didn’t attract too much attention. I didn’t talk to too many people about faith, Christ, spirituality, or, especially, theology. I avoided anything that would make me say or decide something definitive about my faith.
I’ve had many conversations with a professional counselor at a Christian college in Chicago about how he helped students, and employees of the college, to figure out how to fix their problems. In many cases, he suggested that maybe the people should leave the college. I couldn’t believe he suggested this until I realized how similar to the Church is to a Christian college, replete with all the same conflicts, sinners and issues. And then I saw the wisdom in that suggestion.
For some, letting go of their faith involves not attending church anywhere and stopping a relationship with God or even cutting all ties with Christianity. And why not? If someone’s faith is what is causing all the problems, then it would be masochistic to hold on to that which keeps hurting you.
I couldn’t do this, though. Even though my faith was a large part of my struggle with depression, I also knew that it was also, ironically, the solution to it. And the truly masochistic move would be to run away because I would always end in the same place, beaten down, broken and hurt. Nothing I would cling to could fix my depression or my disgust with American Christianity would ever really work or assuage my anger.
So years go by without any major actions or decisions in regards to my faith and things begin to get easier. Counseling helped me sort through issues and my church fed and nurtured me in spite of its apparent failures. The Bible began to make more sense to me; it guided and encouraged my faith. Prayer began to seem less like dropping a coin in a fountain.
My faith in the Church, and more importantly, in Christ’s power to heal and restore us, has grown more solid. I feel a little more comfortable talking about my faith, spirituality and even some theology because it has become more real during my time away from it.
So as I continue to read Kierkegaard, I can not only identify with the existential angst that he so eloquently put into words, but also the hope that faith can truly help fix my mental illness.
“Teach me, oh God, not to torture myself and not to make a martyr of myself in suffocating introspection, but to take a deep and wholesome breath of faith!”
- Søren Kierkegaard
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Kierkegaard; Depression Series # 8 - Giving Up on Answers...
Kierkegaard on obedience:
"Oh God, teach me so deeply to understand myself that I may understand how utterly impossible it is to be satisfied with the mere fact that I am master of my own destiny, and that there is no satisfaction and joy and happiness for a person except obedience."
On Passion:
"Longing is the umbilical cord of the higher life."
"It is a great question whether those whom God cannot make mad have ever really existed for God."
"Authentic religion has to do with passion, with having passion. Sadly, there are thousands who take a little something out of religion, and then dispassionately "have religion."
- All quotes taken from Provocations ( a best of collection of Kierkegaard's spiritual writings.
-----------------------
Depression Series # 8
Giving Up On Answers And Suspending Judgment
I finished God in the Dark by Os Guiness this week and was humbled and changed. Reading Guiness’ answer to the question of ‘Why, O Lord?’ put something into words that I had been struggling with for a while. It was an idea that helped me deal with the suicide of a friend a year and a half ago.
Clark Stacy killed himself in March of ’05 while I was still a crime reporter in Chicago. Two years prior at Moody, I was his resident assistant but kept up with him after I graduated. I was naturally shocked when I heard the news on my way to work the overnight shift.
During a lull around 2 a.m., I did what I could to corroborate the news. I found online the small newspaper in Tennessee that ran his obituary the day after the suicide. I instantly thought of what I could do to find out more. I could look up the local medical examiner, hospital, or sheriff’s office. A friend had called me to fill me in but any news story had to be corroborated. I had to get the facts myself.
An hour later, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to get any info. Why would anyone from small-town Tennessee talk to some small newswire reporter from Chicago? And if this was a suicide, no one would be talking about it anyway. I considered all the other roadblocks to getting information. I also considered my need to direct a sole reporter to best cover the city for the next 7 hours.
I stopped trying to find answers through reportorial means. Instead, for about two months I turned to the community that he and I used to be part of: Moody Bible Institute. I went to a sort of memorial chapel, talked to his friends still there and then listened to some crazy drama involving professors at MBI and Clark’s parents.
The man who counseled Clark at MBI was just as dumbfounded. I didn’t ask, but the counselor gave me his professional opinion (which I wasn’t going to ask about for obvious reasons). I felt privileged that he told me what he did but I still couldn’t figure out why it all happened.
More months went by and I gave up trying to find answers. My anger burned out and I knew that I would never have the answer that I wanted. I was just going to have to accept that and somewhere in the back of my head, try to accept that God was all that I was taught he was.
And then comes Guiness to tell me this:
“It is difficult to hold an impersonal universe personally responsible, and nothing less than personal responsibility will do. The only remaining option is to call God to the bar and charge him with the injustice of suffering that is otherwise inexplicable. Through doubt we can get even with God.”
So where does that leave me? What am I to do? Believe that God is good?
Guiness told me that “To suspend judgement on why something is happening is not the same as denying that something is happening. The former is faith, the latter is repression, which should have no part in the Christian faith.”
His idea is that you don’t know why but you can know why you trust God who knows why. You suspend judgment of God who knows why.
Guiness concludes by stating that all doubts about the Father are silenced in the Son, to which no suffering can be compared.
There’s not much to say after that.
"Oh God, teach me so deeply to understand myself that I may understand how utterly impossible it is to be satisfied with the mere fact that I am master of my own destiny, and that there is no satisfaction and joy and happiness for a person except obedience."
On Passion:
"Longing is the umbilical cord of the higher life."
"It is a great question whether those whom God cannot make mad have ever really existed for God."
"Authentic religion has to do with passion, with having passion. Sadly, there are thousands who take a little something out of religion, and then dispassionately "have religion."
- All quotes taken from Provocations ( a best of collection of Kierkegaard's spiritual writings.
-----------------------
Depression Series # 8
Giving Up On Answers And Suspending Judgment
I finished God in the Dark by Os Guiness this week and was humbled and changed. Reading Guiness’ answer to the question of ‘Why, O Lord?’ put something into words that I had been struggling with for a while. It was an idea that helped me deal with the suicide of a friend a year and a half ago.
Clark Stacy killed himself in March of ’05 while I was still a crime reporter in Chicago. Two years prior at Moody, I was his resident assistant but kept up with him after I graduated. I was naturally shocked when I heard the news on my way to work the overnight shift.
During a lull around 2 a.m., I did what I could to corroborate the news. I found online the small newspaper in Tennessee that ran his obituary the day after the suicide. I instantly thought of what I could do to find out more. I could look up the local medical examiner, hospital, or sheriff’s office. A friend had called me to fill me in but any news story had to be corroborated. I had to get the facts myself.
An hour later, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to get any info. Why would anyone from small-town Tennessee talk to some small newswire reporter from Chicago? And if this was a suicide, no one would be talking about it anyway. I considered all the other roadblocks to getting information. I also considered my need to direct a sole reporter to best cover the city for the next 7 hours.
I stopped trying to find answers through reportorial means. Instead, for about two months I turned to the community that he and I used to be part of: Moody Bible Institute. I went to a sort of memorial chapel, talked to his friends still there and then listened to some crazy drama involving professors at MBI and Clark’s parents.
The man who counseled Clark at MBI was just as dumbfounded. I didn’t ask, but the counselor gave me his professional opinion (which I wasn’t going to ask about for obvious reasons). I felt privileged that he told me what he did but I still couldn’t figure out why it all happened.
More months went by and I gave up trying to find answers. My anger burned out and I knew that I would never have the answer that I wanted. I was just going to have to accept that and somewhere in the back of my head, try to accept that God was all that I was taught he was.
And then comes Guiness to tell me this:
“It is difficult to hold an impersonal universe personally responsible, and nothing less than personal responsibility will do. The only remaining option is to call God to the bar and charge him with the injustice of suffering that is otherwise inexplicable. Through doubt we can get even with God.”
So where does that leave me? What am I to do? Believe that God is good?
Guiness told me that “To suspend judgement on why something is happening is not the same as denying that something is happening. The former is faith, the latter is repression, which should have no part in the Christian faith.”
His idea is that you don’t know why but you can know why you trust God who knows why. You suspend judgment of God who knows why.
Guiness concludes by stating that all doubts about the Father are silenced in the Son, to which no suffering can be compared.
There’s not much to say after that.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Depression Series # 2
So here's the next in my depression series. This article I wrote for a counseling journal I put together for my senior print media project in school. I called the journal, "Issues", and it was pretty well received. I did a reprint a few years later when it became very relevant at my alma mater.
So this is what I was thinking about depression four years ago.
"Living With Depression"
Is this what Hell will be like?
To not have any connection with God
My memories of Him are all that’s left
But the past is gone
The future can’t be reached
And I’m just here
That’s what goes through my head when I’m depressed. God isn’t real and seems like merely a nice idea that a lot of people have. There’s not really a way to contact Him or see a response because you’re just here with all your thoughts to keep you company. And those thoughts are not usually kind.
Thoughts of regret, sadness and guilt were what consumed me for the longest time. I would drown in a tidal wave of guilt because I didn’t complete some small task on time or to the tee. Perfectionistic tendencies still set up shop in my brain despite my having studied Galatians in depth and marveled over 'grace' my freshman year. Forgetting to ‘do my devos’ was one of the largest initiators of guilt because if God was important, I’d make time for Him.
I’d regret not saying or doing something I ‘should’ have done or I’d just feel sad that I wasn’t connected to God. All of this would just create this cloud of sadness that would wrap around me for long stretches of time. I’d just sit and think about how I wasn’t right with God and how bad I felt about what I did 'wrong'.
I’d try to read my Bible and pray more but all these things were just physical acts that had no meaning. There was no God behind any of it. I could read for 24 hours straight and still not be right with God. Something major was wrong with me and I didn’t know what to do to get better.
I could try to do other spiritual things to fix it but my thoughts were still wrong. I could pray and God might have heard me but I was still consumed by wrong thoughts. These thought patterns had grown into me like ivy around a house and could not be cleared away without extensive work.
I was also numb to most everything. I didn’t really connect with people or to sad events that I heard about. Someone died of cancer, committed suicide, or was raped? “Life goes on,” I might think. It would take something extreme, movies like Magnolia or stories by Flannery O’Conner perhaps, to revive my senses to a low-level working order. Existential philosophers, like Søren Kierkegaard, also became geniuses to me.
I ache to be alive again
I ache to feel what feelings are
I yearn to know the experience of worship
I yearn to have the words truly affect me
Does what I’m singing really mean anything?
Can saying what’s true mean something
Even if it’s just an physical act?
I can’t remember when I first started to be depressed but I do remember when God reminded He was still there. Halfway through this past summer, I had a few thoughts that were pivotal in coping with depression: “This isn’t going to last forever. You won’t always be like this.”
I was pretty sure this was from God because my mind could never have produced this during that time. There were no romantic notions or spiritual revelations going through my mind. If the clouds in the sky spread apart and sunlight broke through to warm my numbed skin, it wouldn’t register. I’d see the scene above and think, “That’s kinda nice.” The two thoughts from God were awesome but they didn’t change how I thought.
I’m not sure how long it took, but I started to realize how huge a role my thoughts played. Even if I just finished some awesome time in the Word, the depressed thoughts could still take over and make me waste another two hours sitting and wallowing. I started to ask God to help me with my thoughts. I didn’t know what or how to do anything but I just needed help.
More time passed and I started to realize quicker when I would be depressed. I could almost figure out a specific time of the day when an episode started so I kept praying and asking for more help. I eventually was able to pin point what events triggered the thoughts of guilt, sadness or regret, but only after more time and stretches of depression had passed.
It was about then that I realized how much I truly needed God. I realized how idiotic was the Schuler-esque, American evangelical idea of changing your thinking through your own will power. A person’s thoughts are more powerful than we realize and any self-help fluff you can buy in a Christian bookstore can’t truly fix them. Only a genuine relationship with God, and perhaps some counseling, can really change negative thought patterns.
As much as I wanted to get help from a counselor, I never did, which was probably to my detriment. After almost a year of suffering, I finally was able to figure out my thought patterns and know what triggered a downward spiral of thoughts. Whenever I realized I was in that state, I could stop and ask God for help again with my thoughts.
Sometimes the episodes last a day, sometimes only a half-hour, but they haven’t gone away completely. I've come to realize that this is not just something you can cut out of your life. Overcoming depression would be awesome if all you had to do would be cut out part of your brain. But things aren't that easy. Depression is something you have to live with, but not give in to. It's almost like this sadness, guilt, or despair has to play with happiness, joy and contentment. Joy plays hopscotch with Sadness and cheers him on so he can figure out that he is Son of God. Despair is given an underdog on the swing set by Contentment and is made to laugh and smile.
Yet whenever I do get depressed, I see, yet again, how much I need God and turn to him. God won’t seem real and there won’t seem to be any reason to even consider getting better. But just asking for help, be it from counselors or God, is the only way anyone will ever get better.
So this is what I was thinking about depression four years ago.
"Living With Depression"
Is this what Hell will be like?
To not have any connection with God
My memories of Him are all that’s left
But the past is gone
The future can’t be reached
And I’m just here
That’s what goes through my head when I’m depressed. God isn’t real and seems like merely a nice idea that a lot of people have. There’s not really a way to contact Him or see a response because you’re just here with all your thoughts to keep you company. And those thoughts are not usually kind.
Thoughts of regret, sadness and guilt were what consumed me for the longest time. I would drown in a tidal wave of guilt because I didn’t complete some small task on time or to the tee. Perfectionistic tendencies still set up shop in my brain despite my having studied Galatians in depth and marveled over 'grace' my freshman year. Forgetting to ‘do my devos’ was one of the largest initiators of guilt because if God was important, I’d make time for Him.
I’d regret not saying or doing something I ‘should’ have done or I’d just feel sad that I wasn’t connected to God. All of this would just create this cloud of sadness that would wrap around me for long stretches of time. I’d just sit and think about how I wasn’t right with God and how bad I felt about what I did 'wrong'.
I’d try to read my Bible and pray more but all these things were just physical acts that had no meaning. There was no God behind any of it. I could read for 24 hours straight and still not be right with God. Something major was wrong with me and I didn’t know what to do to get better.
I could try to do other spiritual things to fix it but my thoughts were still wrong. I could pray and God might have heard me but I was still consumed by wrong thoughts. These thought patterns had grown into me like ivy around a house and could not be cleared away without extensive work.
I was also numb to most everything. I didn’t really connect with people or to sad events that I heard about. Someone died of cancer, committed suicide, or was raped? “Life goes on,” I might think. It would take something extreme, movies like Magnolia or stories by Flannery O’Conner perhaps, to revive my senses to a low-level working order. Existential philosophers, like Søren Kierkegaard, also became geniuses to me.
I ache to be alive again
I ache to feel what feelings are
I yearn to know the experience of worship
I yearn to have the words truly affect me
Does what I’m singing really mean anything?
Can saying what’s true mean something
Even if it’s just an physical act?
I can’t remember when I first started to be depressed but I do remember when God reminded He was still there. Halfway through this past summer, I had a few thoughts that were pivotal in coping with depression: “This isn’t going to last forever. You won’t always be like this.”
I was pretty sure this was from God because my mind could never have produced this during that time. There were no romantic notions or spiritual revelations going through my mind. If the clouds in the sky spread apart and sunlight broke through to warm my numbed skin, it wouldn’t register. I’d see the scene above and think, “That’s kinda nice.” The two thoughts from God were awesome but they didn’t change how I thought.
I’m not sure how long it took, but I started to realize how huge a role my thoughts played. Even if I just finished some awesome time in the Word, the depressed thoughts could still take over and make me waste another two hours sitting and wallowing. I started to ask God to help me with my thoughts. I didn’t know what or how to do anything but I just needed help.
More time passed and I started to realize quicker when I would be depressed. I could almost figure out a specific time of the day when an episode started so I kept praying and asking for more help. I eventually was able to pin point what events triggered the thoughts of guilt, sadness or regret, but only after more time and stretches of depression had passed.
It was about then that I realized how much I truly needed God. I realized how idiotic was the Schuler-esque, American evangelical idea of changing your thinking through your own will power. A person’s thoughts are more powerful than we realize and any self-help fluff you can buy in a Christian bookstore can’t truly fix them. Only a genuine relationship with God, and perhaps some counseling, can really change negative thought patterns.
As much as I wanted to get help from a counselor, I never did, which was probably to my detriment. After almost a year of suffering, I finally was able to figure out my thought patterns and know what triggered a downward spiral of thoughts. Whenever I realized I was in that state, I could stop and ask God for help again with my thoughts.
Sometimes the episodes last a day, sometimes only a half-hour, but they haven’t gone away completely. I've come to realize that this is not just something you can cut out of your life. Overcoming depression would be awesome if all you had to do would be cut out part of your brain. But things aren't that easy. Depression is something you have to live with, but not give in to. It's almost like this sadness, guilt, or despair has to play with happiness, joy and contentment. Joy plays hopscotch with Sadness and cheers him on so he can figure out that he is Son of God. Despair is given an underdog on the swing set by Contentment and is made to laugh and smile.
Yet whenever I do get depressed, I see, yet again, how much I need God and turn to him. God won’t seem real and there won’t seem to be any reason to even consider getting better. But just asking for help, be it from counselors or God, is the only way anyone will ever get better.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
I posted Kate's article on a social experiment involving online dating sites and co-workers on The Brew. It's The Brew's way of saying, Happy Valentine's Day.
The Brew is getting bigger and bigger. I spent nearly all of my free time today online with posting new articles, answering and sending out emails and keeping up a good online presence. You think if I didn't have an actual physical body, I might exist only online.
What a thought.
------------
Upcoming movies I'm pumped about:
Blake Snake Moan: if someone turned a Flannery O'Conner story into a movie, it might look like this.
Sunshine: Brit director Danny "28 Days Later" Boyle's version of sci-fi.
---------------
Another great Kierkegaard prayer from Provocations.
"Oh God, forgive me for seeking excitement and enjoyment in the allurements of the world which are never truly satisfying. If like the prodigal son, I have gone in search of the wonders of the transient world, forgive me, and receive me back again into your encircling arms of love."
The Brew is getting bigger and bigger. I spent nearly all of my free time today online with posting new articles, answering and sending out emails and keeping up a good online presence. You think if I didn't have an actual physical body, I might exist only online.
What a thought.
------------
Upcoming movies I'm pumped about:
Blake Snake Moan: if someone turned a Flannery O'Conner story into a movie, it might look like this.
Sunshine: Brit director Danny "28 Days Later" Boyle's version of sci-fi.
---------------
Another great Kierkegaard prayer from Provocations.
"Oh God, forgive me for seeking excitement and enjoyment in the allurements of the world which are never truly satisfying. If like the prodigal son, I have gone in search of the wonders of the transient world, forgive me, and receive me back again into your encircling arms of love."
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Read this Kiekegaard quote this morning and couldn't stop thinking about it.
"It was said of Christ that he would reveal the thoughts of many hearts, and this he did. How? Simply by proclaiming grace. He who proclaims the law forces a person into something. People try to hide themselves when faced with the law. But grace, the fact that it is grace, makes them completely unconstrained. Face to face with grace a person really learns to know what lies deepest within. Tell a child to do something--this does not mean the child does it, nor do you really get to know the child's nature. No, but to say, "You are free, you may do as you please"--then you find out what lies deepest in the child." - Soren Kierkegaard's Notes and Journals.
---------------
Beck's 'The Information' rocks the catskills.
------------
I posted my article on ending my newspaper career on The Brew. It's the first article I've posted to ever contain profanity.
---------
Beside the Oscars nominations being announced, the Razzie's were announced, too.
"It was said of Christ that he would reveal the thoughts of many hearts, and this he did. How? Simply by proclaiming grace. He who proclaims the law forces a person into something. People try to hide themselves when faced with the law. But grace, the fact that it is grace, makes them completely unconstrained. Face to face with grace a person really learns to know what lies deepest within. Tell a child to do something--this does not mean the child does it, nor do you really get to know the child's nature. No, but to say, "You are free, you may do as you please"--then you find out what lies deepest in the child." - Soren Kierkegaard's Notes and Journals.
---------------
Beck's 'The Information' rocks the catskills.
------------
I posted my article on ending my newspaper career on The Brew. It's the first article I've posted to ever contain profanity.
---------
Beside the Oscars nominations being announced, the Razzie's were announced, too.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Disbelieving For Joy
This seems like a nonsensical idea. But Os Guiness explains it in a beautiful and compelling way in chapter 9 of God in the Dark. The ninth entry is titled Scars From An Old Wound: Doubt from Hidden Conflict.
Man, I sound like a book report. Or a news story. For some reason, I had to find a way to shove as much information possible into the led or the first paragraph. Force of habit, I guess.
Well anyway, it was comforting and challenging to read this (like the entirety of this book). This is one of those books that you either read and change yourself accordingly or you read and completely deny that it has anything for you.
Here’s an excerpt that explains the disbelieving for joy idea:
“That was the moment when Jesus appeared [to his disciples after his death], and he caught them on the raw before the sedative of passing tim had dulled the pain. He stood before them, the sum of all they wanted. But for sheer joy of what it would mean in true, they refused to believe in case it might not be. What they were saying in their doubt is that it was too good to be true, and this way they adroitly protected the wound and refused to risk opening it. The one fact that they wanted became the one fact too much, so they disbelieved for joy.
“This doubt comes from the fear of being hurt where we have the scars from an old psychological wound. It is one to which many of us are prone. Are not most of us wounded at some point? Don’t we all have deep conflicts that are unresolved, perhaps unacknowledged? It is not necessarily that we have conflicts and scars that stand out publicly, livid and unhealed, but that even if our wounds are invisible, we know they are there, and we instinctively know the pain that pressure on them brings.”
This whole book is just what I need read during this time of life. I’m trying to recreate my faith or restructure it and adjust to all the things that have gone on over the last eight years. I think the book would be a polarizing force for anyone who reads it.
--------------------------------------
On a much different note, I figured out how to rip off the Half Price Books chain. Read how on Son of A Beach.
Man, I sound like a book report. Or a news story. For some reason, I had to find a way to shove as much information possible into the led or the first paragraph. Force of habit, I guess.
Well anyway, it was comforting and challenging to read this (like the entirety of this book). This is one of those books that you either read and change yourself accordingly or you read and completely deny that it has anything for you.
Here’s an excerpt that explains the disbelieving for joy idea:
“That was the moment when Jesus appeared [to his disciples after his death], and he caught them on the raw before the sedative of passing tim had dulled the pain. He stood before them, the sum of all they wanted. But for sheer joy of what it would mean in true, they refused to believe in case it might not be. What they were saying in their doubt is that it was too good to be true, and this way they adroitly protected the wound and refused to risk opening it. The one fact that they wanted became the one fact too much, so they disbelieved for joy.
“This doubt comes from the fear of being hurt where we have the scars from an old psychological wound. It is one to which many of us are prone. Are not most of us wounded at some point? Don’t we all have deep conflicts that are unresolved, perhaps unacknowledged? It is not necessarily that we have conflicts and scars that stand out publicly, livid and unhealed, but that even if our wounds are invisible, we know they are there, and we instinctively know the pain that pressure on them brings.”
This whole book is just what I need read during this time of life. I’m trying to recreate my faith or restructure it and adjust to all the things that have gone on over the last eight years. I think the book would be a polarizing force for anyone who reads it.
--------------------------------------
On a much different note, I figured out how to rip off the Half Price Books chain. Read how on Son of A Beach.
Friday, September 08, 2006
An Unsafe Book
As I keep reading God in the Dark, by Guiness, I realize how unsafe it is to read this. And I think I’m going to need a Guiness to toss back while sorting through everything it’s throwing at me.
The subtitle is deceptive: The Assurance of Faith Beyond a Shadow of a Doubt. This rings of some kind of fundamentalist apology that might try to convince you with evidences or arguments that disbelieving in God is something for first grade thinkers. But the book is anything but.
Guiness examines doubt itself and all the reasons one would doubt. He also explains doubt as a regular part of faith and shoots down the notion that doubt is a negative part of belief. He then goes through seven ‘families’ of doubt that address various reasons for doubting.
I’ve only gotten through three of those families and my spirituality has already had the rug pulled out from underneath it. I can no longer operate the way I have been for the last three or four years.
I’ve embraced the idea of not trying to make everything work in regards to my faith. I’ve seen the downside to trying to fix everything or the downside of being disciplined enough to be ‘successful’ in my faith. I’ve embraced a sort of nihilistic attitude about achieving anything. I had to give up trying and just be. I had to come to the end of myself and embrace crashing and burning. This might be why I’m come to appreciate Chuck Palahniuk’s books so much. He’s been dubbed America’s favorite nihilist.
Well, I’ve crashed and I’ve burned and my crisis of faith seems to have past. So now what? I’m still alive and I still believe in Christ. Do I have to build some new kind of spirituality? Am I no longer going to be one of those troubled souls whose faith gets them through by the shreds of truth that shine out amongst the darkness? Do I mature in my faith and move on with my life and no longer define myself as one of those who struggle as an occupation?
If I read this book to the end, then I’ll have to.
The subtitle is deceptive: The Assurance of Faith Beyond a Shadow of a Doubt. This rings of some kind of fundamentalist apology that might try to convince you with evidences or arguments that disbelieving in God is something for first grade thinkers. But the book is anything but.
Guiness examines doubt itself and all the reasons one would doubt. He also explains doubt as a regular part of faith and shoots down the notion that doubt is a negative part of belief. He then goes through seven ‘families’ of doubt that address various reasons for doubting.
I’ve only gotten through three of those families and my spirituality has already had the rug pulled out from underneath it. I can no longer operate the way I have been for the last three or four years.
I’ve embraced the idea of not trying to make everything work in regards to my faith. I’ve seen the downside to trying to fix everything or the downside of being disciplined enough to be ‘successful’ in my faith. I’ve embraced a sort of nihilistic attitude about achieving anything. I had to give up trying and just be. I had to come to the end of myself and embrace crashing and burning. This might be why I’m come to appreciate Chuck Palahniuk’s books so much. He’s been dubbed America’s favorite nihilist.
Well, I’ve crashed and I’ve burned and my crisis of faith seems to have past. So now what? I’m still alive and I still believe in Christ. Do I have to build some new kind of spirituality? Am I no longer going to be one of those troubled souls whose faith gets them through by the shreds of truth that shine out amongst the darkness? Do I mature in my faith and move on with my life and no longer define myself as one of those who struggle as an occupation?
If I read this book to the end, then I’ll have to.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Remembering
“In keep open lines to the past, the redeemed memory carries encouragement and conveys warnings and lessons to faith as faith is engaged in fighting at the front line of battle that is the present moment.”
-Os Guiness, God in the Dark.
This comes from the third chapter of Guiness’ book, entitled “Forgetting to Remember: Doubt from Ingratitude.” Reading this book has been revolutionary. What’s crazy is that I feel like (and sound like) I did almost eight years ago as I was starting my Bible school education. Every book was mind-shattering and life-altering.
I remember those days and look back fondly on them, though nowadays I’d say I’m very far from them. I don’t long for that pure milk of anything and gasp when some new truth is revealed to me. I more just long to continue on and not be dragged back into a depressed state that finds it’s cure in never-ending entertainment. God is still there and Christ has still saved me; I’m still redeemed and am being regenerated but I don’t quite feel like it. I’m accustoming myself to having feelings again and trying to sort them out after having turned them off.
I realized that my faith somehow keeps going, inspite of everything that I think would shatter it. My struggles with depression, although ongoing, aren’t as crippling as they once were. Five years after I began struggling with it, I see that life has gone on and I’v figured some things out. I’ve become one of those people I knew way back when who inspired me to keep going. I saw them in their darkest times but then later on, I also saw them able to get back to some kind of functioning faith. Somehow, they were able to deal with their depression or whatever other malady and move on. Time and their faith were able to help them grow.
I’ve more than survived the last five years and that’s something I try to remind myself of. I earned a bachelor’s degree and supported myself for going on three years. I was a freakin’ reporter for the Chicago Tribune for a year. Although I didn’t succeed at this and quit after a year, I didn’t let that send running home to Mom and Dad thinking that I couldn’t accomplish anything with my struggles with depression. And now I’ve up and moved to Texas to take a chance on starting a magazine. Who knows what’ll happen next.
--------------------
The Next Big Thing in Texas and then some.
-Os Guiness, God in the Dark.
This comes from the third chapter of Guiness’ book, entitled “Forgetting to Remember: Doubt from Ingratitude.” Reading this book has been revolutionary. What’s crazy is that I feel like (and sound like) I did almost eight years ago as I was starting my Bible school education. Every book was mind-shattering and life-altering.
I remember those days and look back fondly on them, though nowadays I’d say I’m very far from them. I don’t long for that pure milk of anything and gasp when some new truth is revealed to me. I more just long to continue on and not be dragged back into a depressed state that finds it’s cure in never-ending entertainment. God is still there and Christ has still saved me; I’m still redeemed and am being regenerated but I don’t quite feel like it. I’m accustoming myself to having feelings again and trying to sort them out after having turned them off.
I realized that my faith somehow keeps going, inspite of everything that I think would shatter it. My struggles with depression, although ongoing, aren’t as crippling as they once were. Five years after I began struggling with it, I see that life has gone on and I’v figured some things out. I’ve become one of those people I knew way back when who inspired me to keep going. I saw them in their darkest times but then later on, I also saw them able to get back to some kind of functioning faith. Somehow, they were able to deal with their depression or whatever other malady and move on. Time and their faith were able to help them grow.
I’ve more than survived the last five years and that’s something I try to remind myself of. I earned a bachelor’s degree and supported myself for going on three years. I was a freakin’ reporter for the Chicago Tribune for a year. Although I didn’t succeed at this and quit after a year, I didn’t let that send running home to Mom and Dad thinking that I couldn’t accomplish anything with my struggles with depression. And now I’ve up and moved to Texas to take a chance on starting a magazine. Who knows what’ll happen next.
--------------------
The Next Big Thing in Texas and then some.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
The New Coffee-Chain-That-Shall-Remain-Nameless
So I'm at a different Chain-That-Shall-Remain-Nameless down in Dallas and am adjusting fairly well.
A new store manager took over two months after the previous one was fired. Not sure why but I hear stories of him always eating pastries (from the case and after being put in the trash can, so they say), having emotional outbursts and not keeping the store stocked up. But the new one is pretty cool.
The drive-through store( a horrible idea) is located in a pretty shady neighborhood and is known for it's strip clubs all around. My first day on the drive through I got invited to a member's only sort of poker club. The middle-aged cocktail waitress (who paid with all ones and tried to make a joke about not working at one of those places in the neighborhood; I tried to laugh with her) who came through the drive through gave me a ghetto business card ( 'Sheila's Club' set in front of a black club) and wrote her name on the back of it. "You have to know someone in order to get in," she said. Haven't visited there yet.
Some repeat drive-through customers recognized me and told me they like flirting with me. One car in particular includes a corpulent, blonde woman (looking in her fifties and always sporting an oversized cowboy hat) riding with a young, skinny Asian girl, who likes to buy venti valencia mochas. The third time they came through, they said you should come see us sometime. "We work at Baby Dolls," she said. (I'll let you guess the reputation of a place called 'Baby Dolls' in the neighborhood. This is why I supressed a laugh when she said this.) There was a pause and then "We both wait tables there. We work the day shift." I chuckled and as legendarily (a company buzzword for great customer service) as I could tell them that a place like that wasn't my scene.
And one of the supervisors in the store is a Jehovah's Witness. He comes in frequently dressed to the tee (probably coming from some church service) and might be taking a leave to go on what would be equivalent to a mission trip to NYC to build houses. Everyone jokes around about all sorts of things, including this guy's 'virgin ears.' Then follows other jokes about him not having a girlfriend or not getting 'around'.
No one at the store knows too much about me, yet. Moody Bible Institute means nothing to anyone in the store and I don't mind. But it's odd to hear someone else getting all the religious ribbing that I'm used to getting. I don't know what to think about this.
A new store manager took over two months after the previous one was fired. Not sure why but I hear stories of him always eating pastries (from the case and after being put in the trash can, so they say), having emotional outbursts and not keeping the store stocked up. But the new one is pretty cool.
The drive-through store( a horrible idea) is located in a pretty shady neighborhood and is known for it's strip clubs all around. My first day on the drive through I got invited to a member's only sort of poker club. The middle-aged cocktail waitress (who paid with all ones and tried to make a joke about not working at one of those places in the neighborhood; I tried to laugh with her) who came through the drive through gave me a ghetto business card ( 'Sheila's Club' set in front of a black club) and wrote her name on the back of it. "You have to know someone in order to get in," she said. Haven't visited there yet.
Some repeat drive-through customers recognized me and told me they like flirting with me. One car in particular includes a corpulent, blonde woman (looking in her fifties and always sporting an oversized cowboy hat) riding with a young, skinny Asian girl, who likes to buy venti valencia mochas. The third time they came through, they said you should come see us sometime. "We work at Baby Dolls," she said. (I'll let you guess the reputation of a place called 'Baby Dolls' in the neighborhood. This is why I supressed a laugh when she said this.) There was a pause and then "We both wait tables there. We work the day shift." I chuckled and as legendarily (a company buzzword for great customer service) as I could tell them that a place like that wasn't my scene.
And one of the supervisors in the store is a Jehovah's Witness. He comes in frequently dressed to the tee (probably coming from some church service) and might be taking a leave to go on what would be equivalent to a mission trip to NYC to build houses. Everyone jokes around about all sorts of things, including this guy's 'virgin ears.' Then follows other jokes about him not having a girlfriend or not getting 'around'.
No one at the store knows too much about me, yet. Moody Bible Institute means nothing to anyone in the store and I don't mind. But it's odd to hear someone else getting all the religious ribbing that I'm used to getting. I don't know what to think about this.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Superman? Yeah, Superman.
So my buddies and I came out of the movie theater, talking about what we just saw.
One friend said, “I couldn’t believe they would just rip off his suit. I mean, he was dodging bullets with that suit, so how could the doctors just cut it off? I was like, ‘Ahhhh.’ It had to be harder than that.”
“Well it wasn’t the suit that was stopping the bullets,” said my other friend piped in.
“The man makes the clothes,” I said in my faux philosophical tone, trying to turn that old saying and twist it around to make it new.
Director Bryan Singer did a similar twist by remaking Superman and creating a top-notch film that wows and inspires, all the while throwing image and reference after image and reference of Christ at the audience. The entire movie, as cliché as the franchise seems, could be a 2.5 hour long portrait of Christ.
Singer, a superstar director with such varied and intricate features under his belt as The Usual Suspects and X2: X-Men United, continues to use his films to communicate what could be taken as Christian themes. Previous films, specifically the aforementioned features, had bits of theology, some better than others. Usual Suspects explored the reality of the devil and X2 comically portrayed faith. Superman Returns is bathed in Christian imagery, with scene after scene making reference to Christ in either in dialogue or action.
The film is technically brilliant and done in an old-fashioned Hollywood
style. There’s action but not some final showdown or drag-out fight between Superman and Lex Luther, played by Kevin Spacey who somehow recreates Gene Hackman’s earlier Luther. There’s daring rescues at the last minute that you tell yourself you know will come. There’s not a complete swear word in the entire movie despite the earthquakes, plane crashes, and sinking ships that imperil everyone living in Metropolis. A struggling plane carrying Lois Lane, her fiancé Richard White (nephew of The Daily Planet Editor Perry White) and son, possibly fathered by Superman, soars off the end of a waterfall, heading straight for the ground. It disappears into the mist at the bottom of the falls and a second and half later, veers up and out of danger.
And, as already mentioned, Lois Lane is engaged and has a son when Superman returns from his five year hiatus, taken to see his home planet, Krypton, which astronomers discovered somewhere nearby. So things get a little messy for Clark Kent, as well, having to work with Lois, her fiancé, and see Lois' son running around the newsroom. And whether or not Lois Lane did “Spend the Night With Superman,” as one of her columns was titled, becomes a beautiful way illustrate the Father’s relationship with the Son. Marlon Brando’s original voice work is recycled from the old Superman films and used to help explain this throughout the movie.
I’d rather not spoil any more of the movie and let you figure out whether or not Superman actually has a son or if Lex Luther gets killed in the end. It was a beautiful and moving movie.
And if you’re looking for another take on the movie, check out my buddy’s review who watched the movie with me: http://trents.blogspot.com/ .
One friend said, “I couldn’t believe they would just rip off his suit. I mean, he was dodging bullets with that suit, so how could the doctors just cut it off? I was like, ‘Ahhhh.’ It had to be harder than that.”
“Well it wasn’t the suit that was stopping the bullets,” said my other friend piped in.
“The man makes the clothes,” I said in my faux philosophical tone, trying to turn that old saying and twist it around to make it new.
Director Bryan Singer did a similar twist by remaking Superman and creating a top-notch film that wows and inspires, all the while throwing image and reference after image and reference of Christ at the audience. The entire movie, as cliché as the franchise seems, could be a 2.5 hour long portrait of Christ.
Singer, a superstar director with such varied and intricate features under his belt as The Usual Suspects and X2: X-Men United, continues to use his films to communicate what could be taken as Christian themes. Previous films, specifically the aforementioned features, had bits of theology, some better than others. Usual Suspects explored the reality of the devil and X2 comically portrayed faith. Superman Returns is bathed in Christian imagery, with scene after scene making reference to Christ in either in dialogue or action.
The film is technically brilliant and done in an old-fashioned Hollywood
style. There’s action but not some final showdown or drag-out fight between Superman and Lex Luther, played by Kevin Spacey who somehow recreates Gene Hackman’s earlier Luther. There’s daring rescues at the last minute that you tell yourself you know will come. There’s not a complete swear word in the entire movie despite the earthquakes, plane crashes, and sinking ships that imperil everyone living in Metropolis. A struggling plane carrying Lois Lane, her fiancé Richard White (nephew of The Daily Planet Editor Perry White) and son, possibly fathered by Superman, soars off the end of a waterfall, heading straight for the ground. It disappears into the mist at the bottom of the falls and a second and half later, veers up and out of danger.
And, as already mentioned, Lois Lane is engaged and has a son when Superman returns from his five year hiatus, taken to see his home planet, Krypton, which astronomers discovered somewhere nearby. So things get a little messy for Clark Kent, as well, having to work with Lois, her fiancé, and see Lois' son running around the newsroom. And whether or not Lois Lane did “Spend the Night With Superman,” as one of her columns was titled, becomes a beautiful way illustrate the Father’s relationship with the Son. Marlon Brando’s original voice work is recycled from the old Superman films and used to help explain this throughout the movie.
I’d rather not spoil any more of the movie and let you figure out whether or not Superman actually has a son or if Lex Luther gets killed in the end. It was a beautiful and moving movie.
And if you’re looking for another take on the movie, check out my buddy’s review who watched the movie with me: http://trents.blogspot.com/ .
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Crisis Averted
So the crisis was averted, yet again. It almost sounds like the ending of some clichéd movie, where the main character learns some great lesson. Since he was only painted in one broad, monochrome color, he only learned that he was merely selfish or that he should’ve known that his friends would come through. He was not that complicated and so his lesson learned wasn’t that amazing. He was only two dimensional.
I feel like that character because for the last week, I had some financial crisis that propelled me into the realm of disbelief. I didn’t believe that things were going to change. I thought I would never get that refund for self-publishing that journal or that freelance check that would pay my bills during the time in between paychecks. I became angry at individuals, corporations or anyone else that seemingly contributed to my misery.
My bank account went way into the negative digits, throwing an entire toolbox into the machinery of my life. What was in the account would have covered the deposit check given to an apartment complex in north Dallas that secured a pretty sweet two-bedroom, two-bath pad for my buddy and I. Luckily, that check hasn’t been cashed in yet.
My back went out as well, only compounding the situation. Maybe I swam too hard and pushed and pulled that restaurant booth the wrong way while moving it into the graphic design studio. I stretched, heated, iced and just lay on my back, trying to rest it. But it didn’t squeeze back into place until a week later. Makes me wonder if there’s some medical connection between my mental state and a crick in my back that twists a nerve a certain way? I wonder if depression could stem from merely one nerve in the spinal column being pinched the wrong way?
So the week goes on and I continue to go through the motions of my Christianity. I go to church and then grab lunch with the 20 somethings afterward. I went to a small group dinner and tried to contribute something as people discussed chapter seven of Don’t Waste Your Life, by John Piper. Could there be a more appropriate (or inappropriate) book for this week of my life?
In each of these times of spiritual discussion, I felt completely disconnected because I didn’t feel like I had any faith. I just had doubts about all of God’s characteristics that I knew. I felt like I was talking about someone else’s life when I tried to say something authentic. I felt two dimensional. That lesson learned came from someone else’s life, not mine. I wasn’t the person who figured out that wise idea on how to be authentic. I was someone who didn’t know if he had any faith. I was someone who didn’t walk in anyone’s ways or follow hard after anyone. I was just here, groping for some way out of a two-dimensional mess.
I began praying two days ago (one of the things that I remembered from that other person’s life) that God needed to show himself to me again. I knew that I didn’t quite believe that He would take care of me so I told him so. I said this, somehow knowing that he would do what I asked because that’s what He does. I couldn’t say that God would always defend his character and restore the faith of his sons and daughters. But that’s what I pretty much asked him to do in so many words.
And then today happens. I call my parents to check in (and eventually ask for whatever money they could spare). My mom figured out she could wire me some money and did so. While I was talking to her in my bedroom, an overnight UPS envelop came. My boss handed it to me after I went back into the office. Inside was a check for a freelance project that I did three and a half months ago. The amount would bring my bank account back into the positive digits. While depositing this check at the bank, my Mom called while I waited for the teller to deposit the check. “I just wired ***** dollars into your account.” I told her the good news and she was excited. I guess God will come through in situations like this, just like my Mom said in our initial conversation.
I get an email from a friend who’s raising support to work for Campus Crusade for Christ. He’s my age and just had his third child, making support raising all the more interesting. I’ve given him my pittance for the last two years ‘cause were buds and he has the cutest daughter who says, “Hey Beach!” whenever she see me. I emailed him and asked him to pray for my situation. He emailed me today to tell me that he just mailed me a check for $100. That’s unfathomable for me. But not for him. He works full-time on raising support and not in any other job. He lives on the belief that God will provide for his needs and has done so for the last nine months.
He says his mailman took his check to me but then left another letter in his daily mail. He opened a letter to find a check for $500 the same day he sent out a $100 for me.
My current boss also gave me an advance to pay for a small editing job he lassoed for me from one of his clients.
So the two dimensional character realizes that there’s an entire other dimension where things happen and people believe all sorts of things. And then the character starts to see his hand in full color and realize there’s depth to it all.
I feel like that character because for the last week, I had some financial crisis that propelled me into the realm of disbelief. I didn’t believe that things were going to change. I thought I would never get that refund for self-publishing that journal or that freelance check that would pay my bills during the time in between paychecks. I became angry at individuals, corporations or anyone else that seemingly contributed to my misery.
My bank account went way into the negative digits, throwing an entire toolbox into the machinery of my life. What was in the account would have covered the deposit check given to an apartment complex in north Dallas that secured a pretty sweet two-bedroom, two-bath pad for my buddy and I. Luckily, that check hasn’t been cashed in yet.
My back went out as well, only compounding the situation. Maybe I swam too hard and pushed and pulled that restaurant booth the wrong way while moving it into the graphic design studio. I stretched, heated, iced and just lay on my back, trying to rest it. But it didn’t squeeze back into place until a week later. Makes me wonder if there’s some medical connection between my mental state and a crick in my back that twists a nerve a certain way? I wonder if depression could stem from merely one nerve in the spinal column being pinched the wrong way?
So the week goes on and I continue to go through the motions of my Christianity. I go to church and then grab lunch with the 20 somethings afterward. I went to a small group dinner and tried to contribute something as people discussed chapter seven of Don’t Waste Your Life, by John Piper. Could there be a more appropriate (or inappropriate) book for this week of my life?
In each of these times of spiritual discussion, I felt completely disconnected because I didn’t feel like I had any faith. I just had doubts about all of God’s characteristics that I knew. I felt like I was talking about someone else’s life when I tried to say something authentic. I felt two dimensional. That lesson learned came from someone else’s life, not mine. I wasn’t the person who figured out that wise idea on how to be authentic. I was someone who didn’t know if he had any faith. I was someone who didn’t walk in anyone’s ways or follow hard after anyone. I was just here, groping for some way out of a two-dimensional mess.
I began praying two days ago (one of the things that I remembered from that other person’s life) that God needed to show himself to me again. I knew that I didn’t quite believe that He would take care of me so I told him so. I said this, somehow knowing that he would do what I asked because that’s what He does. I couldn’t say that God would always defend his character and restore the faith of his sons and daughters. But that’s what I pretty much asked him to do in so many words.
And then today happens. I call my parents to check in (and eventually ask for whatever money they could spare). My mom figured out she could wire me some money and did so. While I was talking to her in my bedroom, an overnight UPS envelop came. My boss handed it to me after I went back into the office. Inside was a check for a freelance project that I did three and a half months ago. The amount would bring my bank account back into the positive digits. While depositing this check at the bank, my Mom called while I waited for the teller to deposit the check. “I just wired ***** dollars into your account.” I told her the good news and she was excited. I guess God will come through in situations like this, just like my Mom said in our initial conversation.
I get an email from a friend who’s raising support to work for Campus Crusade for Christ. He’s my age and just had his third child, making support raising all the more interesting. I’ve given him my pittance for the last two years ‘cause were buds and he has the cutest daughter who says, “Hey Beach!” whenever she see me. I emailed him and asked him to pray for my situation. He emailed me today to tell me that he just mailed me a check for $100. That’s unfathomable for me. But not for him. He works full-time on raising support and not in any other job. He lives on the belief that God will provide for his needs and has done so for the last nine months.
He says his mailman took his check to me but then left another letter in his daily mail. He opened a letter to find a check for $500 the same day he sent out a $100 for me.
My current boss also gave me an advance to pay for a small editing job he lassoed for me from one of his clients.
So the two dimensional character realizes that there’s an entire other dimension where things happen and people believe all sorts of things. And then the character starts to see his hand in full color and realize there’s depth to it all.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
On Not Being Named Alumnus of the Year
Disappointment abounded this past year when I didn’t get to go up on stage during MBI’s Founder’s Week celebration. Someone else was nominated for alumnus of the year and their deeds were announced to all the eager attendees. People were awed at their ministry prowess and kingdom accomplishments. The recipient (whomever it may have been; I missed that session) surely teared up, said some kind words and thanked God for how gracious, loving and powerful He is.
Maybe next year, I thought.
Or on second thought, maybe never.
I realized this because in the three years since I’ve graduated, a lot has changed in my life, including how I view everything. I don’t have the same goals as when I graduated. Those first dreams and aspirations were crushed once I tried to get out and accomplish them. My beliefs have been put through a blender, leaving me with a glass of smoothie-like substance that I’d have to dig through in order to see what the original recipe was. Am I a Calvinist egalitarian or an ecumenical amillenialist? And can I even give the definition of any of those words to show off my Bible and theology prowess? After all, Bible was my middle name for four consecutive years.
One conclusion I’ve come to is that full-time ministry is not something that God has planned for me. So that, along with earning a black sheep degree in communications, will probably disqualify me for the Alum of the Year. I’m excited for my fellow graduates who have been called to be pastors, missionaries and educators at churches, in foreign countries and in schools, public or private. However, a no B.S. look at my abilities and talents has led me to believe that God has not gifted me with the interpersonal capabilities necessary for a major leadership role in any ministry.
I breathed a sigh of relief when this thought came to me from either common sense or a blessing of wisdom from God. Ministry is rough, messy work that you have to be called to. I remember seeing classmates struggle with ministry because they wouldn’t entertain the idea that perhaps God had gifted them for something other than the typical ministry role.
An honest assessment of my talents led me to take a job as a reporter for the century-old City News Service of Chicago. I’ve always had a thing for writing. I wrote and then edited a newspaper during high school, where I wrote some article regarding spirituality or Christianity in every issue (as well as an investigation into the school selling way too many parking passes for a senior parking lot). I repeated this process while in college with more spiritual topics and a volatile investigation into why nearly a dozen Bible and theology professors left the school over two years. Success in writing on these levels led me to imitate other alumni that got their writing careers off to a great start at City News.
So for a year, I hung out at police stations throughout Chicago and covered the crime beat in city. I saw, heard and wrote about some things that I wish I never had. I became hardened, cynical and got twice the education that I received while in college. After a grating year of realizing more of my strengths, and more importantly, my weaknesses, I realized that I didn’t have what it took to be a reporter in Chicago. I didn’t have enough competitiveness, pluck and interpersonal savvy to make it in a city that is a destination for reporters across the country. I’m happy that another alumnus, Matt Wahlberg, rose through the ranks at City News, got a job at the Chicago Tribune and is now doing leg work for famed columnist John Kass. Walberg won’t get recognized at Founder’s Week either, because he’s just a damn good reporter who probably glorifies Christ through his hard work and skill. However, he was recently recognized and chided by Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley for doing his job and asking tough questions: Walberg
It’s a shame someone doing a great job at something that isn’t ministry can’t become the famed Alumni. You probably won’t see anyone recognized on stage that makes some great artistic accomplishment or someone who donates a large amount of money to support missionaries or some private school (The people who donate fortunes of money usually become trustees at MBI, though). It sucks that James Schapp or Bob Muzikowski weren’t alumni of Moody because both have achieved great things through their non-ministry-type vocations.
And it will continue to suck because of what kind of school my alma mater is. I remember that Moody Bible Institute is a training ground for students wanting to go into full-time ministry. Knowing this, I am sure that I will never be given an award for whatever achievements God gives me. This is because I know that I am not going to pursue some full-time ministry. Instead, I’m going to pursue a career in graphic design and continue to work on completing a novel. Maybe I’ll go to grad school and pursue a counseling degree.
But I’m surely going to use the artistic talents God has given me wherever they lead me. And if they don’t lead up the isle and into the bright lights of Founder’s Week, I’m cool with that.
For more random Texas experiences, read the lastest Son of a Beach.
Maybe next year, I thought.
Or on second thought, maybe never.
I realized this because in the three years since I’ve graduated, a lot has changed in my life, including how I view everything. I don’t have the same goals as when I graduated. Those first dreams and aspirations were crushed once I tried to get out and accomplish them. My beliefs have been put through a blender, leaving me with a glass of smoothie-like substance that I’d have to dig through in order to see what the original recipe was. Am I a Calvinist egalitarian or an ecumenical amillenialist? And can I even give the definition of any of those words to show off my Bible and theology prowess? After all, Bible was my middle name for four consecutive years.
One conclusion I’ve come to is that full-time ministry is not something that God has planned for me. So that, along with earning a black sheep degree in communications, will probably disqualify me for the Alum of the Year. I’m excited for my fellow graduates who have been called to be pastors, missionaries and educators at churches, in foreign countries and in schools, public or private. However, a no B.S. look at my abilities and talents has led me to believe that God has not gifted me with the interpersonal capabilities necessary for a major leadership role in any ministry.
I breathed a sigh of relief when this thought came to me from either common sense or a blessing of wisdom from God. Ministry is rough, messy work that you have to be called to. I remember seeing classmates struggle with ministry because they wouldn’t entertain the idea that perhaps God had gifted them for something other than the typical ministry role.
An honest assessment of my talents led me to take a job as a reporter for the century-old City News Service of Chicago. I’ve always had a thing for writing. I wrote and then edited a newspaper during high school, where I wrote some article regarding spirituality or Christianity in every issue (as well as an investigation into the school selling way too many parking passes for a senior parking lot). I repeated this process while in college with more spiritual topics and a volatile investigation into why nearly a dozen Bible and theology professors left the school over two years. Success in writing on these levels led me to imitate other alumni that got their writing careers off to a great start at City News.
So for a year, I hung out at police stations throughout Chicago and covered the crime beat in city. I saw, heard and wrote about some things that I wish I never had. I became hardened, cynical and got twice the education that I received while in college. After a grating year of realizing more of my strengths, and more importantly, my weaknesses, I realized that I didn’t have what it took to be a reporter in Chicago. I didn’t have enough competitiveness, pluck and interpersonal savvy to make it in a city that is a destination for reporters across the country. I’m happy that another alumnus, Matt Wahlberg, rose through the ranks at City News, got a job at the Chicago Tribune and is now doing leg work for famed columnist John Kass. Walberg won’t get recognized at Founder’s Week either, because he’s just a damn good reporter who probably glorifies Christ through his hard work and skill. However, he was recently recognized and chided by Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley for doing his job and asking tough questions: Walberg
It’s a shame someone doing a great job at something that isn’t ministry can’t become the famed Alumni. You probably won’t see anyone recognized on stage that makes some great artistic accomplishment or someone who donates a large amount of money to support missionaries or some private school (The people who donate fortunes of money usually become trustees at MBI, though). It sucks that James Schapp or Bob Muzikowski weren’t alumni of Moody because both have achieved great things through their non-ministry-type vocations.
And it will continue to suck because of what kind of school my alma mater is. I remember that Moody Bible Institute is a training ground for students wanting to go into full-time ministry. Knowing this, I am sure that I will never be given an award for whatever achievements God gives me. This is because I know that I am not going to pursue some full-time ministry. Instead, I’m going to pursue a career in graphic design and continue to work on completing a novel. Maybe I’ll go to grad school and pursue a counseling degree.
But I’m surely going to use the artistic talents God has given me wherever they lead me. And if they don’t lead up the isle and into the bright lights of Founder’s Week, I’m cool with that.
For more random Texas experiences, read the lastest Son of a Beach.
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