That's what has gone through my mind over the last six days. That's what sums up my emotions since I heard that Clark Stacy committed suicide on March 18, 2005.
I don't know how to describe the anger I feel over his death. I'm enraged another person has fallen to depression and accepted that stopping one's heart is easier to deal with than whatever lot God has given to them.
I'm so pissed and sad at the same time. Could this be a righteous anger? Righteous anger at myself for not probing him more when I had worked out with him at the gym? Righteous anger for not being a better friend or an R.A.? Righteous anger at knowing exactly what depression looks and feels like and not recognizing it earlier in Clark? Righteous anger at the community in which he lived in for being intolerant or ignorant of his true problems and for doing nothing? Righteous anger at being part of that community?
Probably all of the above but also none of the above. Answers in a time like this are harder to find than the guilty snowflake that initiated the avalanche. Answers always come slow (if at all) with tragedy or with understanding the multi-faceted disease of depression.
So many factors are involved in depression and suicide that they can only be understood after extended periods of doubting God and yourself; periods of knowing who God is and knowing who you are. There isn't any trick or guidebook on how or how not to be depressed. God created us all too creatively and with too much ingenuity to have some magic formula that would cure all people everywhere. If there was a god that simple, who would care enough to be in wonder of him or worship him?
An aspect of depression I've known is how alone you can feel. Yes, there's that community of believers, that congregation representing the body of Christ, that fellowship that exists anywhere two or more are gathered in his name. But those can all cease to exist when a person is depressed.
A scary fact to realize is that in the middle of all those things, a depressed person can want to have no part of any of that. Congregations or fellow believers are usually avoided because a depressed person has probably heard too many spiritual clichés from people who don't understand depression. The sick person might rather want to burn down a church around themselves rather than look for the God who is supposed to exist inside it.
And is that what happened to Clark? No one will know because, as some of his closest friends have said, he didn't show any signs of anything being wrong. Some depressed people can win Oscars for their portrayals of a person who has it together because they wouldn't just tell that person on the phone that they're planning to take their own life. It's just not your typical dinner conversation.
I don't know what kind of answers to give right now. I've cried and am sure I will cry, grieve, yell and say more things worthy to be replaced by asterisks, ampersands and exclamation points in the near future. I know that depression is a powerful beast that cannot be ignored. It can drive man to a violent death rather than listen to someone genuinely wanting to help. It can numb the most exuberant disciple into a fetal position, longing to catch a glimpse of the God he used to know.
I know that sometimes, God, in his usual omnipotent and omniscient way, will become real again and seem to be sitting right behind me. He will be more visible through relationships and fellowship and will wash over me in the honest words I exchange with friend. And until that time, I guess we'll see what my faith is for.
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2 comments:
You know deep down that it is not your fault, but how can you free yourself from the guilt that maybe there was something you could have said or done? Many people will tell you that you cannot blame yourself, but it will make no difference. You cannot escape the tormenting “what ifs”.
Death is not new to me, nor is the corresponding grief, anger, guilt and doubt. From personal experience I say to you that no matter what you could have said or done, it most likely would have made no difference. You cannot help someone who has not decided to help himself. Even if you had tried, you probably would not have known the depth of his depression since the greater it becomes, the better a person masters the art of deceit and the more resistant he becomes to receiving outside help. It is even possible Clark did not consider suicide for long, but the thought came alongside a sudden tidal wave of depression that he could not bear. When the depression becomes insufferable, in that instant, all reason is abandoned by a desperate need to find an escape from ones mind, be it temporary, such as indulgence in alcohol, or something more final, as Clark chose. I am sure he did not question the love of friends and family. The despair comes not in the knowledge of reality, but the turmoil of blended reality and lies that blind a person to the truth.
So what do we do from here? It is okay to be angry at sin and injustice and the lies that blind us to truth. But do not allow that anger to turn into a guilt and bitterness that immobilizes you. What good does that do for others? Rather, use that anger along with your familiarity with depression to stimulate your compassion for others and do all you can to love and comfort those with whom you come into contact, realizing that in your own strength you can do nothing. Find new ways to show people you care, but do not try to become the savior of the depressed. Always keep in the forefront of your mind that God and God alone is able to alleviate that weight of depression that plagues so many of us and drives us to do that which is otherwise uncharacteristic for us to do. Are you strong and convinced of your position with God? Then pray for those who are so weak that they are unable to pray for themselves. Be readily available so that when a person decides it is time to seek help, they know they can find it in you. Kindness driven by compassion and love for the hurting does a world of good. Allowing bitterness and mental abuse to debilitate is beneficial to none.
I am speaking as one who is secretly suffering greatly, unable (unwilling?) to allow others to reach out to me and most assuredly cannot pray. This is what I would want you to do for me. I can imagine Clark would have said the same.
Thanks for the advice. I'm definitely not blaming myself because I understand depression all too well. I was more writing about where I could have let my thoughts go if unchecked or if I ignored the realities of depression.
I've had great discussions with others who know depression where we came to realistic conclusions about what could have and could not have been done. And most of them were not some romantic happy ending that you see in the movies.
I've already also had great conversations that have truly built up brothers in Christ by honest words, confessions and bearing each others burdens. We realized that it's too easy to stuff problems, emotions and honest struggles into the bottom of your shoe and continue to try to run the marathon. We know that this will only lead to a debilitating pain that slowly works its way back to the surface where it will scream to be let out.
As for the inability to pray, I've been there and will pray for you now, since I can. But if you're someone who I don't know is struggling, drop me a line.
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